anything to say? :3

Sunday, February 28, 2010


i'm sad
that's the word
how i am feeling now

it's like
a big hole
in my heart
consuming me from inside
the sunny days
the laughter
the smiles
the jokes
and the compliments
all the happiness

i have nowhere to go
nobody to turn to
nothing to tell
i am

Friday, February 26, 2010

Today . . .

my friends and i
went to the city
just a bunch
of teens having fun
it was...
to say the least
and i gotta admit
i totally sucks in bowling
we're tired out
at last
and back to where
we belong

when i got home
there was 43 missed calls
it was you
and many, many, many
angry messages
it was mine
the fault
letting the phone left uncharged
so i told you
and everything
went well
our fights
are one of the
things i love about our love
they last for less than a day
less than 5 minutes
i can't stand being
that way with you
it breaks my heart every time
you raise you voice
and it's directed to me
but when
we fight
and you said those awful things to me
i can't help but remind
this girl
"this is the man
i love
i can't stay mad at him
i love him"

in the movie
there was an elderly couple
the woman touched
my heart
when she said
"when you love someone
you can't just love the nice, good things
about her
you must also love the things
you hate in her"
my dear
i exist
as a package
when you took me
into your arms
you took the whole of me
the good and the bad
the lovable and the hateful
of this girl

i accepted you
the way you are
from the first time we met
in virtual and real life

i'm grateful
you still accept me till today
i hope
you will accept me
for tomorrow
and tomorrow

~i love you~

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Seeing You Again

hot and tired
went up and down
you greet me with that
precious smile
i feel like home again

sure enough
little fights are mandatory
this meeting
is not excepted
but after 10 minutes
i cant help but make up
with you
i love you too much

i reach my destination
oh my
it is hard
walking without you
being separated again
i'll be seeing you again
real soon
real real soon

"i love you"

Friday, February 19, 2010


i like criticism
it's one way to improvise
but please
no extreme ones
i'm a coward
that's the summary
that's the reason
i'm posting my story here
because this blog
can be seen
but hidden
but private
so... here's my writing
edited by beloved Uncle Pete


Mama was smiling, holding little Carolyn loosely in her arms. Next to them was Kenny, my older brother who was laughing seeing his daughter’s funny face when being held by her grandmother. Kenny’s wife, Joanna was working with the food, yet still found a way to smile at the camera. And I was squatting beside mama with Fiery, our little puppy, in my hands. I remembered the day vividly. It was a cloudy and windy day, but not an unpleasant one. Kenny was the one who suggested having a family party for me; I had just received my degree. So we ended up having a small barbecue party in the home backyard. Mama was extra happy that day, and Carolyn seemed to have learned some funny facial expressions and jokes from her kindergarten friends. Everyone smiled and giggled and guffawed the whole time. It was a happy day for a happy family.

But now…

Are they?

Kel?” Upon hearing the voice, I promptly tried to hide the picture in my hands. Stupid action, I guess, because Jose already had my hands in his. When he saw the picture, he smiled warmly at me. Yet I sensed some kind of unspeakable tension in his eyes. He looked around the balcony, to the darkness of night, and sighed before mumbling something.

“You miss your family?” I quietly nodded as his hands proceeded to reach my arms.

“You want to stay in Malaysia?” Damn it. Not that question again.

“No! Dude, listen to me, ok? I’ve lived with these people for as long I’ve lived, so it’s natural for me to miss them, isn’t it?” A moment passed, and Jose eventually hummed a consent to my remark. Concurrently, I heard the doorbell ring.

“We’ll talk about this later. Anyway, I’ve ordered pizza for dinner and there’re a couple of beers in the fridge. Care to join?” Needless to say, after hearing his offer, I nodded and joined him in the house.


Named Kelvin Chou, I was a 21-year-old grad with no job. So, while waiting for any job offer or an equivalent work ad in the newspaper, I worked in posh hotel in the middle of Kuala Lumpur. The tasks were simple and didn’t require almost any brain-weaving activities, so in no time I had mastered all the things I ought to know in my work. I thought I’d stick in this job until the right one came, but I was definitely wrong.

It was around 2 am and it was raining cats and dogs outside. I was standing at the receptionist counter, waiting for the rain to stop so that I could ride my motorcycle home. Usually I bring along a raincoat for caution, but somehow that day I’d forgotten to do so. Sasha, a Malay receptionist was talking to her colleague, Serena, about some local artist gossip, so I just stood there, leaning onto the counter and listening to their ramblings. Sometimes I would interject a comment in some topics, and they wouldn’t mind. Standing for too long, I felt numbness in my legs and quietly drifted away to the entrance hall to let go of that annoying feeling. There, I walked several rounds, simultaneously peeking at the window, trying to figure out when the rain would ultimately stop. I was thinking of phoning Mama and telling her I couldn’t get home (and I’d get some nagging for being too careless and forgetting my raincoat), but as I reached for the cell phone in my pocket, I heard the automatic door open. Thinking that it might be foreign tourists just getting out from their flight, I ignored the sound and dialed the number in my phone. But then I felt something cold tapping me on my shoulder, so I promptly turned around. I was shocked.

“Hi...” In front of me there was a young man standing, wet chestnut hair, drenched black suit, and a smile that was damn charming.

That was the first time I ever thought about liking a man.

That was the first time I met Jose Xavier.

The first time I fell in love.


Uncle Jose! Uncle Kelvin! Is anybody home?” I woke from sleep hearing the same yelling I usually heard in the evening at the playground. Jose, lying next to me sighed deeply, covering his face with the pillow, signing me with his hands to go to the front door and greet our little guest. He giggled when I pinched his arms while getting out of the bed, saying from under the pillow,

“Tell her not to come here! I’m not decent!”

“Okie dokie, you sleepyhead!” I mumbled as I removed the pillow and gave him a swift kiss. I hurried to the front door. Under the bright sunlight, I could see, through the transparent door, a little angel standing akimbo with a frown. Unlocking the door, I smiled at her.

“Morning, dear...” She stayed silent for some seconds; until the sun glaze felt too hot for her young skin, and then she ran into the house, leaving me on the doorstep...

“…..Why were you so late? I thought you guys were asleep! Where’s Uncle Jose?” She grumbled, mumbled and rambled with too many words as she helped herself to a seat on the couch in the living room. By then I was pouring milk into three glasses. Coincidentally, the three of us were huge fans of fresh milk.

“He’s tired.” She quickly ran to the bedroom door before I could warn her or anything. But before she could reach the door knob, the door opened from the other side. A wide smile came across her lips when she saw the figure waiting for her behind the door.

“Uncle Jose!!” She energetically jumped and put her hands around Jose’s neck.

“Whoa, cool down, Ade. What’s going on with you acting soo like Fluffy?” Adelaine giggled and let Jose go after planting a little kiss on his tanned cheek. Jose stood up straight and walked to the dining table where I had put the glasses of milk. I looked up from the bacon frying in the pan to look at Jose drinking the whole glass of milk in one big gulp. God, he’s the epitome of perfection. Wearing only his boxers and wife beater shirt, he really showed off his great curves that I never ceased to adore every day and night. Mm… I must have been a really good guy in the past life to have him in this life. Thank you, me. : )

When everything was ready, I served the plate of bacon on the table, accompanied by some chicken filled omelets, soft buns and oatmeal bread. Adelaine had switched on the TV, tuning to her favorite - Disney, while from where I stood I could see Jose walking back into the house. Then I noticed the bin next to the refrigerator was empty. Good, this time he remembered his morning task.

“Here’s the newspaper, Kel. Oh, cool. Chicken omelets. You think we still have our supply of honey? I love the taste of sweet and spicy mixed together.” I raised my eyebrow with a lopsided grin formed at the corner of my mouth.

“Nah, after last night, I guess all of the honey we have is gone.” Jose smiled hearing my answer and, nevertheless, walked to the fridge to fetch the bottle of honey. Sitting back down again, he whispered to me.

“Well, let’s see tonight if what you said is true. I bet there’s still a lot of that down there, and I can’t wait to savor it later.” Lecherously, Jose licked his lips, making me grin wider.

“Emm… Can I have more milk, please?“ The sheer voice of Adelaine brought us back to reality. I looked affectionately at her and answered.

“Yes, princess.”

“So, will your aunt bring you anywhere today?” The girl thought for a while to answer Jose’s question and finally shook her head.

“No, she asked me to study mathematics. Addition, subtraction, multiplication and division. She said I was quite weak in the subject.”

“Very well, I guess you can come with us. I am thinking of doing some grocery shopping with Kelvin. Perhaps you could learn something with us there. I’ll ask your aunt before lunch. Is it okay with you?” Adelaine nodded gleefully. After finishing the meal, Jose went to the bathroom to take a bath. I cleared the table and put the plates in the dishwasher. Later I sat with Adelaine in front of the television.

“There’s a new boy in my school. He’s all geeky. You know, wearing those thick spectacles, reading weird books, never talks to anyone. And last Friday, we were paired to do some French activities. We talked. He was so smart and nice…” Adelaine mumbled. It caught my attention just in time; I saw strawberry hue creep up her cheeks. I smiled instantly. Ah… Puppy love. It’s like I can already see two kids eating ice-cream together in a park, kissing each others’ cheeks innocently, walking together with hands intertwined. So sweet...

“And later that day, I thought I saw him staring at me too. I guess I was imagining things. But then I saw him smiling at me. Uncle Kel…?” Adelaine looked up at me.

“You like him, right? Do you wanna let him know that?” Adelaine nodded.

“I hope we can be like you and Jose. You two are so happy together.” Damn I was flattered. Such an honest remark from a seven-year-old girl about me and Jose really amazed me. ‘So happy together’ Aww… > <

“Thanks for listening, Kel.” I just smiled. Most of the time, Adelaine will stick to Jose, but somehow, sometimes, she would turn to me and whispered her deepest secret, voice out the things from the bottom of her heart. I appreciate the bond we shared, because it shows that she loved me and Jose equally. Let Jose take all the ramblings and whines. Hehehe… :D I felt a tap on my shoulder and promptly stood up. Jose smiled at me. Then I felt a force on my right shoulder blade. I didn’t see it coming but apparently Jose had reached his hand out, pulling me towards him. And he planted a kiss right on my lips. Adelaine, who was looking, couldn’t help but giggle. Well, not the kiss. She’s used to it every single day. I guess it must be the shocked facial expression. I kissed Jose’s lips again before I went off to the bathroom, this time with a smile on my face.

“Aww… Uncle Jose, that’s so cute. When I’m a little bit older, I will practice it. “

“Haha, well, you gotta have strong arms and the boy must be really frail.”

“Um… He’s thin...” Adelaine was mumbling, with the lowest of her voice, yet Jose could clearly hear the sentence.

“Who is the ‘he’, Ade?” asked Jose.

“Uncle Kel will tell you. Oh, by the way, the name is Eric. Don’t forget to mention that when you two exchange information! I wanna look for a dress to wear for the visit to the store. Later!” With that, she hopped off the couch and ran out of the house.

Jose shook his head and went back to watching the television. But his head could not let go of Adelaine. He thought about the girl. The fiery red long locks, the watery blue eyes, the soft creamy skin. Yeah. It was impossible for a pretty sweetheart like her not to go through the ‘puppy love’ phase. But it was that reality that would not let him stop thinking about her situation. He knew that today’s kids advance a lot more rapidly than kids during his days, especially in the aspect of sex and sexuality. He was worried that their little angel would be hurt emotionally or physically with this ‘Eric’ boy. They should really have the ‘birds and the bees’ talk with the girl, sooner or later.

“Jose? Is something bothering you?” Jose didn’t realized that Kelvin had knelt before him, but seeing the apprehensive look on his face, Jose shrugged.

“Who’s Eric?” Jose aked.


“Adelaine…” He added.

“Oh, so that’s his name! Lemme tell you…..”


“Oh, I see. Well I guess a little fun at the store on weekend wouldn’t hurt. Adelaine can go. You can fetch her from her room. She wouldn’t hear if you screamed as loud as you can from here. You know, the music. Hannah Montana and all…..” Miss Drescher said, as she went back to typing on the computer.

“Thanks Nina. And we promise she would learn something with us today. Something to do with math. Have a nice day.” Jose said, practically running to Adelaine’s room. Nina Drescher looked up and flashed a grateful smile, mumbling a ‘thanks’ along the way.

To tell the truth, initially she had been worrying about her niece’s social life. Somehow, no girls wanted to befriend Adelaine in school, or in the neighborhood. She thought either Adelaine was a bit autistic (even though the test refuted it) or the girls frowned to the fact that Adelaine was indeed an orphan. But when the two guys moved here, it was the first time that Nina saw her smiling and laughing contently. She knew the relationship of Kelvin and Jose, but that didn’t bother her. She herself had a lot of gay friends during the university years, and they turned out to be much nicer and friendlier. Now, Adelaine has become their ‘little angel’ as quoted by Kelvin, and Nina couldn’t be more happy than to see Adelaine’s smile every single day.


“Princess, are you ready?” Jose said as he peeked into the room. Adelaine was sitting on the floor, rearranging the stack of her discs. Jose smiled. That girl would grow up to be a woman who would arrange her books by the first letter of the title. She looked momentarily at Jose and said,

“Yeah, I’m ready. Just a minute.” Jose took the time to look around the room. He hadn’t been in her room for quite some time. The wall was still pink, with all the decoration either white or red, but he could see some changes. Pleasant changes. A corner of the wall was full of the pictures that they took together, and there’s even a picture of him sleeping with drool at the corner of his mouth! Other than that, he could also see the medium-sized Walt Disney shelf that he had given her last year standing proudly against the wall, and part of it was filled with books, magazines and manga.

“Okay! Let’s go!” Adelaine announced, simultaneously pulling Jose’s hand out of the room. Jose followed nevertheless.


“So, if we buy 2 packs of Beef Jerky and you put another 4 packs of Beef Jerky into the basket, how many will there be?” Right after Jose asked the question, Adelaine quickly pulled out her fingers and counted.


“Good, Ade. Ah, let me tell you how to be better in this. Instead of using your fingers, you can use your imagination. Try it. Imagine 2 packs of Beef Jerky and another 4 packs of Beef Jerky come along. Can you?” Adelaine closed her eyes and scrunched up her face.

“Emm… It’s quite hard… But wait, yeah, I can see 6 packs of Beef Jerky in my mind!” Her blue eyes fluttered open and looked at me with pride and joy.

“Then, try this one. I want to take 5 packets of marshmallows, and Jose wants 3 packets to be put in his office. What’s the total packets of marshmallows?” Once again, Adelaine closed her eyes tightly. It took a minute before the blue eyes opened and the answer of ‘8’ popped out of her little mouth. We went on and on with the imagination method and eventually Adelaine could keep up with it. She needed less and less time to solve a problem. We promised her we would try multiplication and division at home. After we were done with the grocery shopping, I decided to have lunch in Burger King. And before we went home, Jose wanted to stop at Cold Stone Creamery to have dessert. It was a wonderful weekend even though we didn’t leave the town. As long as we had each other, the enjoyment was guaranteed. : )


“Have any of your family members contacted you since we’ve been here?” Jose asked later that night, and I couldn’t help but feel a painful pinch right in the middle of my heart.

“No…” He looked at me with pitiful expression. It was easy to see, even with the dim light. He could be empathetic, but I guess he would never really understood just how it felt to be disowned by my own family. He tightened his embrace on my waist.

“Don’t feel guilty. Even if I met any other guy, they would still resent it, saying that this is sinful. Saying I would go to hell. All the same bullshit.” I looked into Jose’s eyes deeply. He smiled and moved a little to give me a small kiss on the lips. How? How could a relationship this beautiful, this content, this happy, be marked as sinful?

“I know… Emm… Kel? How about the bet we made this morning?” Jose mumbled softly. I smiled. In the middle of times like this, I knew he assumed that I’d be angry if he brought up the topic. I welcomed it, instead. Gladly.

“Yes…” I heard myself say. And I lowered my hand...


“Beep! Beep! Beep!” I quickly woke up from my sleep and pressed the button on the clock. Jose, being the heavy sleeper he was, still lay undisturbed by the sound. I looked at him with awe, how the man never ceased to amaze me after all this time is unthinkable. I glanced at the digital clock again. It’s just 8:05 A.M. Jose needs to wake up at nine, so I guess I have about an hour to get breakfast ready. Peeking into the fridge, I figured I’d serve his favorite - peanut butter toast and fresh orange juice. And for me, some nice homemade pop tarts would be just fine. On my way to look for a job, I could always stop by any Starbucks or Dome or other fattening outlets available in town. Talk about fattening, I should remind myself about the appointment with Jose in gym later in the evening. No, I don’t need to remind Jose. He never seemed to forget anything. Which is the reason why he had his Master’s at such young age and now he’s a mathematics professor in a college not far from the neighborhood. Yep, you had it right. Jose is a professor and his partner is jobless. > <

A glimpse at the calendar made me realized that today was Carolyn’s birthday. I hesitated for a while. I had the idea to call home, and if I’m lucky I just might be able to talk to Carolyn only, without any other third parties.





I held the receiver up my ear and started dialing the number. I could feel perspiration had started to appear on my forehead, on my palm, everywhere... for this is the first time that I had even tried to connect with any person in my family since... “Hello...”

“Kelvin?” The voice on the other end of the line startled me. It was Mama’s. It came across my mind to immediately hang up, but then I heard sobs. Hers. She started speaking in Chinese that she missed me and when would I be going home. Subsequently, she told me that they had already discussed me and...

The Shack

it was unintentional
that i found
a shelter
that i found
him, him and him
brothers, uncles, grandfathers
and this world of freedom

until now
i couldn't believe
a man built that empire
whom i adore
who amaze me everyday
despite the hell of life
he still there
giving the others hopes
smiles and laughs
yet still humble
and friendly
how i wish i get to meet him
if only once in my lifetime

but it's just a dream
i can't even reach his country
much less to meet him there
but still i shall
continue admiring
and admiring
and admiring
for that's the only way
for me
to show my loyalty
and affection

he still inspire me
till today
and so i love him dearly
till today
even though i didn't express it much
i don't know why
i am scared of him
is it
excessive respect?
is it
overdose inferiority?
i'll just say it here

"you're one of the best thing in my life"

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Last Night

last night
i called you

i love that voice greeting me
i thought about
how lucky i am to have you

i barely remember
what we talked about
but i said
"you're the one who come to me"
and you said
"you're the one waiting for me"
and the past
came back to me

the first time we met
in reality
i waited for you
smiling broadly
when i saw
you came with the cute red car
and how
i lied
"i'm going out with my uncle"
i cannot help but laugh
remembering how innocent
and honest
i must sound at that time
or did i sound fragile, scared and guilty?
but the guards said nothing
and we did meet
and that's what important

for it is
the starting point
when everything between us
until now

~i love you~


Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Miss Lonely's verse....

i'm feeling kinda blue tonight....
i feel like crying
i said is right
i did is good
am i
to your eyes?

i love you
yes i do
i'm feeling
you dont care?
you dont give a damn?
you want to fade away?

they say things change
after some time in a relationship,
the love
it will
not gone, still there
is it
what's happening to me now?

i know
since forever
i ain't perfect
nobody is
i know

i know
i'm not trying to be my best when i'm with you
but i look forward
and see
what's there to hide?
why bother to?
you'll know me inside out
sooner or later
i know

i know
i'm not that good in talking
in expressing myself
everything i said
you interpret as something else
we fight for that
i'll feel guilty
we make up
i know

i know
you love me
you had done many things for me
went through long journeys
waiting for years
pampering me every way you can
i know

i don't know
something is missing
maybe i'm just missing you
lost in the distance
lost in the problems
lost in all this running time

when will i ever find
the man that greet me before the school's gate in his shiny red car
with the sweetest smile on his face?