And I Will

it has been a long time, dear

yes, of course, i know

i miss you very much

and i will never leave you again

time is running out, dear

yes, of course, i know

how much has gone to waste

and i will make up for it

it’s all not your fault, dear

yes, of course, i know

i was frustrated as you were

and i will ensure history wont repeat

you can have me back, dear

yes, of course, you can

we can have good time together

and i promise, it’s forever

My Tears Are Cheap... When It Comes To You

this evening

i can’t stop myself from blubbering

i can’t stop the tears from running

i can’t stop from thinking

about you

about me

about us

just three words would be enough

“i miss you”

Far Away

FAR AWAY

This time, This place
Misused, Mistakes
Too long, Too late
Who was I to make you wait
Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case there's just one left
'Cause you know,
you know, you know

That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore

On my knees, I'll ask
Last chance for one last dance
'Cause with you, I'd withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I'd give it all
I'd give for us
Give anything but I won't give up
'Cause you know,
you know, you know

So far away
Been far away for far too long
So far away
Been far away for far too long
But you know, you know, you know

I wanted
I wanted you to stay
'Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go

“You’re not helping me at all, you know..” Dan squinted at me. I just shrugged while groggily looking around the living room, surprised that I had made such a mess overnight. The room was clean last night, but now, it was messy with papers and all sorts of stationeries; a mess I’ve made unintentionally while trying to get the school assignments done. Dan slumped on the couch beside me, pinching both sides of my cheeks.

“Just make sure that you get everything, arranged before you go to work, k?” I just responded with a nod, followed by a big yawn. Dan directed his loving gaze at me and gave me a quick peck on the forehead.

“I’m glad that you come back here. You have no idea....” Simultaneously he grasped my hands ever so gently, applying just the right amount of pressure to convey the warmth and affection. I leaned onto his shoulders, feeling my eyes getting glassy from the tears. We stayed that way for quite a long time, until I realized that Dan had dozed off. I stared at his calm face, feeling a mixture of emotions swirls in my mind. Guilt. Love. Frustration.

“Stop liking those people. If anything, they’re only worth of being burnt on a stick.”

The damned words came across my mind for a moment. No fucking way. Falcon was the biggest bigot I’ve ever met, and everything he said is based on pure hatred and disgust. I didn’t have any idea how I could fall in love with that son of bitch. It took one hell of long time for me to realize that Falcon was the bad one. Dan was the good one. And I was the dumbest of all for not knowing that earlier. I sighed and looked at Dan’s amazingly angelic face. He had gone through so much. Ryan just left him three months ago. And a month ago ::I:: left him. His hold on my hands was loosened, but I grasped them to my chest, not wanting to forget this moment forever. I loved this guy. No denying that. I closed my eyes, trying to recapture what happened last Saturday night. The night I came safely back into Dan’s arms.

It was a freezing night, and I was shivering. I had only managed to fished out some of my clothes from the closet, along with some money and important documents. And my school assignments. Falcon had gone totally out of my control, even threatening to brainwash me if I refuse to let go of my affection towards Dan and ‘those people’. I had nothing else in my mind aside from the bright blue level three apartment I knew so well.

Dan’s house.

I literally dragged my feet down the road, feeling embarrassed, afraid of Dan’s reaction when he saw me. What would it be? Anger? Shock? Hatred? I left him and that house without any guilt last month, and I had no idea that this would be how I would be back to it. Torn. Hurt. Afraid. I walked out of the elevator with loud thumps of my heart, I’d thought my chest would explode. I knew well by then there was good chance Dan would not welcome me the way he did last time, and I could as well go to my parents house and be protected under dad’s protective arms, but I felt that i just had to try. With a trembling hand, I pushed the bell switch slowly. One second. Two second. Three second....

“Yeah?” Oh God. Just how I realized how I missed the pair of shiny green eyes. And how I loved it when his hair was tousled that way, like he’s just gotten up from bed when he had been awake the whole day. And, how I missed Dan’s voice in my ear.

“Irene?” The tears were inevitable. As Dan stumbled with the keys to open the grill door, the last border between us, I was already sobbing there, like a kid losing her mother in mall, waiting for someone to take and console her. I heard Dan cursed when he picked the wrong keys, and I couldn’t help but giggled in tears. He would never get to remember what the grill door keys looked like even though he’s been staying there for years. After what seems like an eternity, he managed to open the door and wasted no time to get to me.

“SSShhh....Come here babe...” Dan pulled me into his embrace softly, whispering words to calm my erratic feeling. After my tears subsided, he brought me into the living room and let me sit on the good old brown couch. In midst of tears I could see from his face that he was confused at the situation, he didn’t understand what was going on. I left the house with the biggest grin and happiest eyes last month, and now.... I opened my mouth, intending to explain to him, but Dan shook his head.

“Explanation can come later. Wanna drink?” He asked with a smile on his face. A smile. How could he smile when he was supposed to feel at least a month worth of hatred towards me? But I nodded nonetheless, realizing that my throat had dried up a little by the anxiety earlier.

F U

no matter what they say
i still don't like you
like, YOU???
::yucks::
::eww::
::ugh::

Why I Write So Much?

why i write so much?
when i know nobody's reading
when i know my writing sucks
when i know nobody will understand

one
because i suck at talking to people
two
i don't like wasting people's time
just for them to listen to my ramblings
three
i'm embarrassed of pouring
my heart out
even to the people closest to me
four
some things...
are best that only me know em
five
if i tell someone
and he points out what i should do
which turn out to be the thing i DONT wanna do
i'll feel obliged to do so
i'll feel guilty if i dont
thus
i'll feel even more burdened

still
telling someone
my story
my hopes
my dreams
my insecurities
my problems
is
quite a good thing

but before i come across
another one like me
maybe...
:)

Too Well

i know this feeling too well
the spreading pain on my chest
the ache that lingers in my head
the constant need to bang my fist on the wall
it's depression
it's frustration
it's desperation

i know myself too well
to be
so stupid
so lame
so careless
to let myself succumb to this
too deep
and now there's no way back

i know this thing too well
it will go
a few days or so
the sooner
the better
coz i'm dying inside
slowly
painfully
regretfully

Sealed With A Kiss

i had always see you
since we were small
i know you like chocolate more than strawberry
i know you rolled your eyes when you are miffed
i knew everything about you
i know i had starting to like you
why didn't you say anything?

today i see you cry
watching a sad movie
and i felt like i'm crying too
coz i dont like to see you cry
i see you giving me a slight glimpse
and nothing else
why didn't you say anything?

i had always wanted to write to you
i had always wanted to tell you that
i love you
and
i care for you
why didn't you say anything?

just now i had a guest
he's good looking with icy blue eyes
and chestnut brown hair
he said he'd like to see me again
why didn't you say anything?

yesterday the man came again
he took me for a walk around town
and mentioned about marriage
and i saw you staring at me sharply
it's like a warning, but i was no mind reader
why didn't you say anything?

i am about to marry the man tomorrow
he knew i'm an orphan, just like you
but he didn't mind
he said he loved me
and i see you staring at me
forlorn in your eyes
why didn't you say anything?

someday
i'll bring my family here
to show them where i was raised
and if chances are
i'll see you again
i hope you would say something to me
because i'll still love you then

I'm Tired

i'm feeling blue
and i'm tired
today has been a
VERY VERY BAD BAD DAY
emotionally-draining
self-hating myself

so tonight i hope
all that will end
coz i'm tired
that this chaos
greet me again
after that day

it's officially the second time
i've wasted my feeling
exasperation
desperation
affection
guilt
but i won't make it as long as the first
i know nothing will come of it

maybe coz i dont want to
when i want to
when i know
i dont really want to

Chris's Story

Chris opened the sealed letter, feeling guilty for even thinking of reading some random letters in the abandoned room. Still, curiosity got the best of him and deliberately he pulled out a paper old with age from inside the envelope.

can you keep a secret?
last night
i dreamt a dream of you
being with me

in that dream
i had the realization
"this must be a dream"
but then you're standing before me
and i can't help
but feeling
drawn to you
weakened by your touch
trembled by your kiss

it all was too real
that inevitably i was wishing for time to stop
because i miss you
and your smile was too sweet
and your touch was too loving
and your stare was too intense
and your voice was too tender
and i was helpless
in midst of confusion
in midst of guilt
in midst of affection
i fell for you

i love you
but in the battle
of morality and infidelity
of attraction and guilt
...
my choice
wasn't you

and that's how we come to this
and that's how i'm safely back
into his arms
and that's how i lost you
and that's how
till this day i still can't keep my eyes off you

because here
in my heart
you stay
no matter how hard i try to erase you
no matter how hard i try to hate you
you stay

A tear trickled down his cheek.

Followed by another one.

He just couldn't grasp the concept how come this strange letter held so much resemblance to the situation he was facing right then. He thought of Mickey's mischievous lopsided grin and Ian's innocent sincere smile.

"Oh God...." he sighed. Should he follow the path trodden by the writer? Or take the other way round?

Taryn

if there's one guy
that i can
bring from writing
to real living
it'd be
Taryn
NO?
of course
definitely
a big
HELL YEAH

he's soooo delicate
sensitive
sensual
attractive
considerate
understanding
loving
romantic
...
things that guys can only dream
of ever having it all

sure thing
he's fictional
he can't be real
can't be humane
but he stays
here
in my mind
as epitome of
what a guy could be
:)

Lips of an Angel by Hinder

this song was my favorite when i was in form 3 or something. it still catches my heart somehow, now, even after long years i haven't heard anything of it. this song's a sad one, there's no way denying it, and i've been dying to create a story out of it, but...... i guess it's not the time, YET... oh yeah, i sorta want to insert this kind of elements in my T&K but... i've already planned the whole story, so... it's kinda hard to change everything once they've all set. but maybe....

but this song is really... sorta touch my heart. a person deeply in love with someone, but couldn't be with him/her. maybe coz he already had some sort of commitment or something with the other person. or their relationship is forbidden. one way or another, they can't be together.

it hurts. when we're longing to touch someone but can only imagine doing so. when we're meant to tell someone our true feeling but we're restrained from doing so by moral and logic. when we're dying to give the love to someone, but afraid because in doing so, we know we have to hurt someone else's feeling.



Honey why you calling me so late?
It's kinda hard to talk right now.
Honey why are you crying? Is everything okay?
I gotta whisper 'cause I can't be too loud

Well, my girl's in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on
It's really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak

And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

It's funny that you're calling me tonight
And, yes, I've dreamt of you too
And does he know you're talking to me
Will it start a fight
No I don't think she has a clue


Honey why you calling me so late?

Favourite Quote from Perry and Jesse

"You know those Mastercard commercials where they rattle off how much this thing costs and that thing costs?" my mom asked.

I nodded, wondering why she had brought that up.

"Well, your friendship is like the final pronouncement in those commercials," my mom explained, "... priceless."

Favorites from Billy Chase

But he just said, "I don't WANT you to be 'sorry', Billy. I want you to be HONEST with me."

You see, Randall has been sending me email after email, he Googled my name, he called my house twice, he's practically stalking me now. He keeps saying that he wants to talk to me, and I'm just thinking, "WHY???" Why does he 'NEED' to talk to me? About what? I've got stuff to do. Like spend time with my BOYFRIEND, for example!